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Interzone Letter

To: Vincent Wells

C/O Dr. Peter Alcott

New York, NY

Dear V,

How’s it going, little brother? I know it’s been a while since I’ve written, but I’ve been a little busy. Tell Pop he can rest easy; I’m not in jail yet, but there’s still time! Ha, ha!

How’s Chandler doing? I saw in your last letter she left the D.A’s office to hang up her own shingle, though I’m sure Joe was sad to see her go. He always was a slave driver. I bet Pop almost threw a parade when he heard. He’s certainly made his feelings known over the years.  If you ask me, it was long overdue, though. You and Cathy have had enough troubles.

How are things Down Under? Get it? Down under? Charles came up with that one himself. You’ll be pleased to hear he’s doing well. I got a chance to see him earlier this month at that fancy hospital Catherine and Peter found for him. He’s still a little disappointed that he can’t travel with me anymore since he got sick. But the place and people have gone a long way toward helping him get over it. Trust Chandler to find the only private hospital for the blind willing to take a patient with neurofibromatosis! Charles is a big hit with all the other patients and staff. He’s even begun developing a sense of humor; hence the jokes.

As for myself, I’ve been doing something pretty interesting: starring in a movie! Yep, you read that right, little brother! Yours truly has become a leading man on the big screen! Haha! In reality, the movie is a seriously low budget sci-fi turkey by the name of “Interzone.”

I ended up involved by accident. A few weeks ago, I ran across an old buddy of mine who owns a small movie prop and costume rental business. His nephew was graduating from film school and had to write, direct and produce a full length movie for his senior project. That was where my buddy came in. He agreed to let his nephew use the props from his warehouse to make his film.

Since they needed someone to choreograph some stunts and help as a prop wrangler, my buddy asked me to help out. Little did I know what I was getting myself in for. Two days into filming, the male lead sprained his ankle and backed out. That’s when I got drafted.

 The movie (if you could call it that) had virtually no plot, and no budget either. The kid had to write the story around the props in his uncle’s warehouse, and the cast was made up of all the people he knew. My ‘sidekick’ was the chef at the kid’s favorite sushi place, and my leading lady was his roommate’s girlfriend. He even managed to convince the guy who runs the local dry cleaners to appear as this evil slaver who rides around in a car with zebra skin seat covers and get half naked on camera!

It wasn’t too bad, though. I did get to have some fun. One of the baddies in the movie was this evil chick named Mantis, who was played by a female bodybuilder by the name of Teagan Clive. Teagan was actually pretty nice. Unfortunately, she got roped into the film by her agent, since it was his daughter who played the female lead and they couldn’t have a film without a villain.

The most serious drawback to the whole film was the kid in charge, Brad. He honestly saw himself as a modern John Huston, but it was more like Bozo the Clown! Brad set up this insane ‘love scene’ between Teagan and me where she does these strange body building poses in silhouette behind a screen. Then she feeds me this bizarre series of foods including sardines and a raw egg while I’m blindfolded!  I think Brad was trying to be artistic or something; but let me tell you, nothing kills a romantic mood faster than the taste of fish and uncooked yolk!

The only thing worse than his directing was his writing! There wasn’t a cliché or bad pun he didn’t murder in his attempt to write a so called ‘blockbuster’. I swear to you, Vincent, in one scene he actually had me say to the villain “I’m going to hit you so hard, your dog is going to die!” Can you imagine what Pop would say if he heard dialogue like that? It definitely wasn’t Shakespeare!

But I guess I shouldn’t complain. How many people can honestly say they ever got to play the hero who saves the world, gets the girl, and rides off into the sunset as well? It’s really kinda fun. Speaking of getting the girl, have you thought anymore about what you and I discussed when I was home last time?

You’re a normal, healthy man, little brother, and Catherine is a normal healthy woman. What you two are feeling towards each other is perfectly natural. There’s absolutely no reason the two of you shouldn’t act on those feelings, no matter what Pop says.  (Let’s face it, V. It’s been so long since Pop was young; he’s probably forgotten how to do it let alone how it felt!) All I’m asking is that you keep an open mind and consider talking to Catherine. That’s not too much to ask, is it?

Well, got to go. I’m off to Mexico. A friend of mine is competing in the Baja 1000 and he needs a partner to help drive. Take care of yourself and everybody back home.  Catch you later, fuzz!